The Great Mundabor Pageview Contest
Today is our Jubilee extra festivity and I have a lot of time to waste. Therefore, I have decided to write something about the curiosities of my statistics tables. Take it seriously, because it isn’t.
Like (I think) every blogger, I can’t avoid sniffing my statistics at times. Besides the obvious human curiosity, I am intrigued by the degree of penetration of Mundabor’s politically incorrect message in any particular country, that is: how many pageviews per, say, 1,000 inhabitants I get in, say, 30 days. Let us see, then, how things stand as we write the 5 June 2012.
Unsurprisingly, English-speaking countries top the absolute numbers list: in the last 30 days I got (as I write) 14,232 pageviews from the United States, 9,170 from the United Kingdom, 1,786 from Canada and 1,667 from Australia. If we calculate this per 1 million inhabitants in 30 days I get: 45.4 for the United States, 152.8 for the United Kingdom, 51.3 for Canada and 72.4 for Australia. This means Canadians and even Australians are more likely to be followers of your humble correspondent than those living in the Home Of The Brave, and the loyal subjects of the Queen solidly lead the provisional table of the Mundabor-clicking countries.
But then, the surprises begin: Germany has 8.55 pageviews per million inhabitant and 30 days. In part this is due to many Germans mastering English rather well (well: “vell”), though I wonder whether British expatriates do not play a role here. Even more surprising is Italy’s 9.11, as not so many Italians speak English well (including myself, of course) and the expatriates’ presence is certainly not very big; though there are still, I think, some American soldiers.
More surprises: Sweden has a staggering 38; which – considering Christianity is almost unknown over there, and Catholicism basically resting on the odd immigrant – leads me to think they are either looking for pictures, or else they think “Mundabor” is the title of some indecent film. They can’t be clicking whilst drunk, though, because this would be far too expensive.
Belgium is, with 30.7, also a big surprise. I have written a couple of times about Belgium (see my shocking experience in Bruges), but I have decided to put this extremely good number down to frustrated Belgians who have the pockets full of paedophile priests and stupid prelates. They make wonderful chocolate, too.
Other countries disappoint: Russia has a dismal 0.87 pageviews per one million inhabitants every 30 days and I am really, really angry at them. Of course, this might be due to poor English and scarce internet connections in their immense countryside, but I truly think they should drink less vodka and click around more sensibly (I am fully unconcerned about this, mind, as I have already told you they barely ever click my pages).
Pleasant surprises come from some rare Muslim countries, probably because of the numerous expatriates living there, or perhaps because they are attracted by my beautiful depictions of the child-rapist bloody bastard they keep calling “prophet”. What shall I say: it’s a good thing this blog is anonymous. Let us see the numbers: Qatar has a more than respectable 11.6, the United Arab Emirates 13.9 (which puts both of them ahead of Germany and Italy), and the “Abode of Peace” (this is how Brunei calls itself) a rather staggering 282.5, which puts them solidly at the top of the provisional ranking of Mundabor-loving (or at least: clicking) countries. Please compare with the 1.15 of Saudi Arabia, and I thank those courageous (probably expatriates) people who risk losing the odd limb in a dirty dungeon after being found clicking my blog whilst the Foreign and Commonwealth Office invites the Saudis to negotiations (the US citizens must be, on the other hand, rather safe…). Please delete every trace of your visits here, folks, and use a proxy if you can.
Venezuela also disappoints with exactly 1, which is a pity considering all the beautiful women they have, and must be due to Chavez making of them such paupers they can’t afford the fast internet connection my image-laden site requires. Talking of beautiful women, the Czechs behave rather better with an excellent 20.4, certainly helped by the good knowledge of the language.
Israel fares rather well with 14.4, whilst their soon-to-be-bombed friends in Iran disappoint with 0.03 (zero point zero three) pageviews per 1 million inhabitant and 30 days. This lets Saudi Arabia appear a modern democracy, and I suspect my blog isn’t much loved by the local internet watchdogs. Take this, you bastards…
Speaking about angry Muslims, Denmark has a surprisingly high 40.9, and in the absence of any widespread Catholicism there I do think many of the clicks come because of the (yes, you got it right) paedophile bloody bastard…
But I am boring you, and you will have been wondering for a while (if you are still here, of course) which country is the winner of this extremely relevant, heart-stopping, planet-changing competition. I will not leave you in this unbearable state of suspense anymore, and the winner is……
The Stato della Citta’ del Vaticano, or Vatican City State, with all of 10 pageviews in the last 30 days out of an official population of…. 832, including the valet and all the leakers. This gives our friends, if my calculations are correct, the staggering number of 12,019.2 pageviews per 1 million inhabitants per 30 days. This is – statistically – the same as having 3,762,009 pageviews from the United States in 30 days. My thanks go here to the Duce, whose far-sightedness was decisive in allowing me the achievement of such an astonishing statistical number.
That’s it, folks: I have given you a glimpse of the statistical life of a minuscule, but bravely fighting blog, and hope I haven’t bored you too much.
One day we will conquer Iran, too.