A Cardinal Has A Great Idea

O'Malley's Methodist baptism

How very moving! I was chocking back vomit for hours!

And it came to pass a Cardinal woke up one morning and had a bad feeling about his own Baptism. Particularly because his baptism has been – he can’t remember, but he was reliably informed – a Catholic one.

In times in which a Pope pays attention his Jewish buddy, the Rabbi, really eats kosher – he might make a mistake, you see; which would be very bad -, the Cardinal must have thought his baptism was too one-sided, stained with “excessive doctrinal security”, not at all “inclusive”. This Cardinal is a member of a very exclusive group of Cardinals, you see. He must show he can go with the flow.

Even the Cardinal understood, though, that what is done is done. You can’t undo a baptism and ask to have another one in an ecumenical ceremony. It just doesn’t work. What to do?

At this point, the Cardinal had a brilliant idea: at the next “ecumenical” service down at the Methodist an overweight woman thinking she is more than a layman will perform a strange ceremony of renewal of Baptism, or “reaffirmation”, or such like crap. A bit as if Baptims was like silver, with the need of being polished every now and then lest it loses beauty. It also is, you see, a ceremony. They love these things, the Proddies. Fuzzy feelings all around, and a way to revive past emotions of one’s childhood, like the First Communion. Oh, how good and saintly one can feel!

“Great”, the Cardinal must have thought. “If I can’t undo my baptism, I can at least send a clear message the overweight woman is, in a way, a bit of a priest, and I can go and receive something from her my postman could not do. It doesn’t get more ecumenical than that. I must check the press is there, though. Yes, I will not ask for the ceremony to be performed on me from a man. It must be a woman. Otherwise people might say I am being sexist even when I am being ecumenical”.

I am pleased to inform you everything went according to script.

The Cardinal went, saw (not easy to miss, the woman) and received. The photo is everywhere. The woman “minister” (or whatever) had to “choke back tears for hours” (see above: they really are junkies for fuzzy feelings. Thank, God, that you made me a Catholic!). A triumph of ecumenism, with the modest Cardinal now firmly following the example of the Bishop of Rome, He Who Will Make You Eat Kosher.

“Who knows?” – the Cardinal thinks – “if the Blessed Virgin might have thought she had been lied to, than perhaps she also thought God was too sectarian? The boss says God isn’t Catholic! Perhaps he is a closet Methodist?”

The Cardinal is now thinking of the next steps. Should he ask the Jews to get his Bar Mitzvah? Hey, he is a bit old for that, but he has a beautiful singing voice. Or he might wash himself in the Ganges: the river stinks, but the trip would be beautiful. Another idea could be to take part to the Friday thingy in the Mosque, with genuflections and all. Photographers alerted beforehand. “Islam Is Religion Of Peace, Says Cardinal”. Beautiful headline…

Alas, for the moment the Cardinal will have to be happy with the tears of the well-nourished woman. But who knows where Francis is going to lead the Cardinals to…


Posted on January 17, 2014, in Catholicism, Conservative Catholicism, Traditional Catholicism and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink. 13 Comments.

  1. Where will Francis lead the Cardinals to next? Circumcision!

  2. WOW nothing “shocks” me these days !
    This Cardinal goes to a Methodist church and reaffirms his baptism , isn’t that AGAINST the teachings of the HOLY CATHOLIC CHURCH ….I think so !
    I don’t know if I should laugh or cry….another terrible break away from the TRUTH!

  3. Where will Francis lead the Cardinals to next?
    Can I vote for “hell”?

  4. Cardinal O’Malley of Boston, USA as seen by American Life Leage in an article today: http://www.all.org/article/index/id/MTMyNjE/

  5. Along similar lines, after beginning the day with an homily that takes a jab at wearing (Miraculous?) medals, Pope Francis had an audience with Mahony ( http://cardinalrogermahonyblogsla.blogspot.com/2014/01/mass-and-visit-with-pope-francis.html ) and then kosher time with fifteen Argentine rabbis ( http://www.worldjewishcongress.org/en/news/14362/pope_francis_hosts_15_argentine_jewish_leaders_for_kosher_lunch ).

  6. Disgusting. And a sign of the times. What next, indeed!

  7. So all this would have been somehow better if the woman had been of normal weight? You undermine your point with such distractions.

  8. ha ha ha!!! lol! Thank you M for expressing my feelings/thoughts about this travesty so much better than I ever could…great start to my three day weekend with laughing fits…the tears of bitterness over how far the Church is falling into apostasy will probably show up Saturday night after confession in prayer…

  9. Ubi Hostia, ibi Ecclesia

    The above mentioned female is the CEO is this little enterprise: The Massachusetts Bible Society http://www.zoominfo.com/p/Anne-Robertson/1270021848

    “Organized religion is not connecting with most Americans.”

    “The Massachusetts Bible Society provides a bridge between the faithful and the skeptical by promoting biblical literacy, understanding, and dialogue in a safe, non-judgmental environment. Through theologically neutral course curricula, Bible grants, small groups, lectures, video, and social networking, we provide a safe place to explore the Bible in the context of the many voices of interpretation.” http://www.massbible.org/

    Perhaps she will attend/participate in Vatican III…
    Libera nos, Domine.

  10. The Cardinal of Bray rather than the vicar of Bray. The poor man has no fifed principles – just blowing in the wind……

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