Mundabandal, The Mother Of All Apparitions

STUPIDITY_by_wizzpig666

 

 

I announce, today, to the stunned world the unbelievable apparition of Mundabandal. I ask that you take my words seriously, because if all goes well this will really change my life.

Some years ago, in a place the Blessed Virgin asked me not to disclose, I was stealing some apples at the supermarket (as you do) when a huge chap appeared to me. I am persuaded he was the Archangel Gabriel, because he said his name was “Gabriel”.

Gabriel told me the Blessed Virgin had an awful lot to do for the time being so she could not be there, and even he was rather pressed for time; but he would have a chat with me every now and then, from angel to man, because there were things I needed to know.

He visited me several times. He always had the habit of forcing me to dance the Macarena or the Moonwalk, which went surprisingly smoothly. After that, he always forced me to kneel in front of him. This, I found strange in an angel, and very arrogant; but hey, if this angel seeks the Lord and has good will, who am I to judge? Lastly, the angel had me talking in languages no one understands, but everyone who listened to me was highly impressed.

Well then: the Angel told me, among many other things (I intend to write a book about it; no, many, actually…) the Prophecy of the Three Victories: Spain would win three big football tournaments in a row!

“It can’t be!”, said I, “they have never won anything!”. “Shut up, you little human!”, he answered. He was very big, so I decided to pull a Nichols and just be “nuanced”…

After the Prophecy of the Three Victories, he made various further prophecies:

A) There would be a lot of bicycle and car accidents. Some earthquakes. The one or other aeroplane tragedy. This has come to pass.

B) There would be an economic crisis.  This has come to pass.

C) There would be war in the Middle East. This has come to pass, too.

D) There would be a Great Miracle, during which I would receive a great blessing: a completely new nose. The nose would be there so that I can understand that the Great Miracle has occurred. But the entire world will know that a great miracle has taken place, so there would be no need for that. I didn’t ask the Angel about this, because I didn’t fancy another forced Macarena session.

E) After the Great Miracle, the World will suddenly see the light, and I will become Pope with the name Pius XIII. He told me to start selecting my newsagent, cobbler, and favourite Rabbi from now, because you never know when the need for them may arise. My objection that whilst I am a bachelor I find it a bit far-fetched to be elected Pope was answered with the words:”shut up, you little human; we have just made it with a night club bouncer”…

After that I was forced to kneel in front of the angel again, who then rewarded me by giving me various objects, particularly rosaries, blessed by the newly-ordained Blessed Virgin (I wasn’t informed of the fact, but Gabriel was getting angry again, so no questions asked…). 

F) The Angel also told me no one will believe me initially. The Bishops will criticise me. I will be considered a liar, a charlatan, and an idiot wanting to earn a quick buck. All already foreseen, you see!

One day the Blessed Virgin herself appeared to me. She said: “Nice shirt, Mundabor! I like your style!” I answered: “Thank you, ma’am! John Lewis. Summer sale. Very good value, you must know”.

Then we chatted about the weather, and the football, and all that. At some point she gave me a dozen rosaries blessed by her very self (she is a priest now, remember), and a kind of Baby Jesus hologram in HD 3D. “What is this?” I asked. “It’s the virtual Baby Jesus!”, she said, “you can hold it, but you cannot touch it; it has a form, but it has no weight; a wonderful party trick, nicht wahr? And by the by, Padre Pio liked you a lot. Before he died he told me: “that Mundabor, what a fine chap! Can you send him my love when the time comes?”  ”

I asked her to say “Hiya” to Padre Pio for me, and asked if she can tell me how to produce the Baby Jesus HD 3D thingies. One could make a fortune out of them. The perfect Christmas gift, in every department store by Advent, at only £99.99. No batteries needed. Environmentally friendly, too!

She said no. It would offend the Muslims, with whom she has a very special relationship. You can’t have everything, I guess…. 

———

Well, now the world knows. I expect it to act accordingly. A donation button is going to appear soon. Make use of it, lest the rest of your days be dark (one of the supporters of another apparition told me this; it must work with the stupid, then…).

My plan of action is as follows:

1) I will start a magazine, write several books, and hold seminaries. I hope to travel a lot giving conferences, too.  

2) I will shamelessly kow-tow to Islam by saying that “there is a very special relationship between the Blessed Virgin Mary and the Muslims”. It will keep a lot of trouble away and hey, she told me so herself. I had some doubts about the orthodoxy of all this, but Michael said: “shut up, it’s fine…” and threatened to force me to dance the Tango with Nancy Pelosi…

3) I plan to enter a seminary. Then I will leave it and marry an adulterous woman. Then, with the money earned from the apparitions, I will move to the United States. San Diego or Los Angeles will be just fine. Better climate, you know. Please use the donate button and remember me in your will, or make a big donation because I ain’t a spring chicken anymore and can’t wait for you to kick the bucket. Thanks.

Of course, my dear followers, a lot of people will criticise me. They will slander me saying I am merely an idiot, or a deluded man, or rather one who profits of other people’s credulity.

But do not believe them. This is all in the prophecies! 

There. You know everything now.

The button is on the top right hand corner.

Just above the Blessed Virgin.

Mundabor

Posted on June 21, 2014, in Catholicism, Conservative Catholicism, Traditional Catholicism and tagged . Bookmark the permalink. 18 Comments.

  1. She will be one lucky adulterous woman!

  2. Well done Mundabor!
    But you forgot #4: “I will monetise Mundabandal with merch, e.g., blurry pix of me here and there, and of course the perfunctory tchotchky.”
    You could also gin up some DIY miracles with a Polaroid (remember…) and an infrared laser-writer, and enlist a retinue of rather weird folk to pass them round in overstuffed manila envelopes.

    • This is in the workings.
      Once I have a suitable number of cretins followers, I can think of producing a DVD and a paid subscription newsletter with me in the company of various celebrities (millions of those around nowadays…).

      No idea what a tchotchy is. If it’s edible, it can’t taste good.

      M

  3. I do not agree with this satire. If this will be true you will have to condemn all the APPROVED Apparitions also, like: Fatima, Lourdes, La Salette…and Guadalupe. You have to have REAL, WORKING CRITERIA to distinguish what is true and what is false apparition. Church is still working on this one… and have none which work every time. Cardinals voted already on Medjugorie from Francis’ Comission (C8). .. and it was a TIE…!!! See… EVEN THEY DO NOT KNOW!!!

    • “If this will be true you will have to condemn all the APPROVED Apparitions also”

      1) Garabandal it’s ridiculous. It’s just stupid. Food for the retarded. I refuse to even mention it in the same breath as the other, approved apparitions.

      2) The fundamental difference between approved and non approved apparitions is that the first one are approved. Words have meaning.

      3) My real, working criteria is very simple: what did the bishop say? If the bishop say it’s not supernatural, that’s it. If, one day, the bishop should change his mind, that’s it, too. You listen to your bishop. He is the oen in charge. Not only there is no better criterium, but this is the criterium the Church has given us.

      How can it be that nowadays everyone thinks he can decide everything?

      M

  4. A “tchotchky” (spelled “tchotchke” in “Merriam Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary, Tenth Edition”) is a variant spelling of the Yiddish word for “knickknack” or “trinket,” such as the garish souvenir that collects dust. Many people in New York City, whether Jewish or not, know this term and several others used in everyday speech in the Big (Rotten) Apple.

    Thanks for a hilarious post that had me laughing out loud.

  5. This post gave me a good laugh. Probably one of the best I’ve ever read.

  6. The devil’s purpose is to create false apparitions so we will dismiss all of them, especially Fatima. I believe it’s really all an attack against Fatima.

  7. “How can it be that nowadays everyone thinks he can decide everything”?

    If I had to hazard a guess, I would think it was because many bishops have clearly lost their faith and are just staying in their positions for a comfortable life and a retirement. And the fact that the whole institution of the Catholic Church right up to the Pope, covered for child abusing priests means that people don’t trust them any longer.

    People trust the captain of a cruise ship – right up until he crashes it onto the rocks. Then they figure it is everyman for himself.

  8. prudentissima

    I laughed to tears. Nice shirt, by the way.
    I always had a problem with Garabandal. The movement of the children seemed unnatural and God would never arrange things so that the persons who could travel to a certain place at a certain time would be more likely to receive grace and salvation.
    They say Kibeho (sp?) Is approved but frankly it looks more like possession in their physical movements ( the dancing thing) has been many years since I have seen that video but it was creepy.

  9. prudentissima

    Did the Holy Father do anything to especially honor publicly the Blessed Mother this May? I must have missed it.

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