Mundabandal, The Mother Of All Apparitions
I announce, today, to the stunned world the unbelievable apparition of Mundabandal. I ask that you take my words seriously, because if all goes well this will really change my life.
Some years ago, in a place the Blessed Virgin asked me not to disclose, I was stealing some apples at the supermarket (as you do) when a huge chap appeared to me. I am persuaded he was the Archangel Gabriel, because he said his name was “Gabriel”.
Gabriel told me the Blessed Virgin had an awful lot to do for the time being so she could not be there, and even he was rather pressed for time; but he would have a chat with me every now and then, from angel to man, because there were things I needed to know.
He visited me several times. He always had the habit of forcing me to dance the Macarena or the Moonwalk, which went surprisingly smoothly. After that, he always forced me to kneel in front of him. This, I found strange in an angel, and very arrogant; but hey, if this angel seeks the Lord and has good will, who am I to judge? Lastly, the angel had me talking in languages no one understands, but everyone who listened to me was highly impressed.
Well then: the Angel told me, among many other things (I intend to write a book about it; no, many, actually…) the Prophecy of the Three Victories: Spain would win three big football tournaments in a row!
“It can’t be!”, said I, “they have never won anything!”. “Shut up, you little human!”, he answered. He was very big, so I decided to pull a Nichols and just be “nuanced”…
After the Prophecy of the Three Victories, he made various further prophecies:
A) There would be a lot of bicycle and car accidents. Some earthquakes. The one or other aeroplane tragedy. This has come to pass.
B) There would be an economic crisis. This has come to pass.
C) There would be war in the Middle East. This has come to pass, too.
D) There would be a Great Miracle, during which I would receive a great blessing: a completely new nose. The nose would be there so that I can understand that the Great Miracle has occurred. But the entire world will know that a great miracle has taken place, so there would be no need for that. I didn’t ask the Angel about this, because I didn’t fancy another forced Macarena session.
E) After the Great Miracle, the World will suddenly see the light, and I will become Pope with the name Pius XIII. He told me to start selecting my newsagent, cobbler, and favourite Rabbi from now, because you never know when the need for them may arise. My objection that whilst I am a bachelor I find it a bit far-fetched to be elected Pope was answered with the words:”shut up, you little human; we have just made it with a night club bouncer”…
After that I was forced to kneel in front of the angel again, who then rewarded me by giving me various objects, particularly rosaries, blessed by the newly-ordained Blessed Virgin (I wasn’t informed of the fact, but Gabriel was getting angry again, so no questions asked…).
F) The Angel also told me no one will believe me initially. The Bishops will criticise me. I will be considered a liar, a charlatan, and an idiot wanting to earn a quick buck. All already foreseen, you see!
One day the Blessed Virgin herself appeared to me. She said: “Nice shirt, Mundabor! I like your style!” I answered: “Thank you, ma’am! John Lewis. Summer sale. Very good value, you must know”.
Then we chatted about the weather, and the football, and all that. At some point she gave me a dozen rosaries blessed by her very self (she is a priest now, remember), and a kind of Baby Jesus hologram in HD 3D. “What is this?” I asked. “It’s the virtual Baby Jesus!”, she said, “you can hold it, but you cannot touch it; it has a form, but it has no weight; a wonderful party trick, nicht wahr? And by the by, Padre Pio liked you a lot. Before he died he told me: “that Mundabor, what a fine chap! Can you send him my love when the time comes?” ”
I asked her to say “Hiya” to Padre Pio for me, and asked if she can tell me how to produce the Baby Jesus HD 3D thingies. One could make a fortune out of them. The perfect Christmas gift, in every department store by Advent, at only £99.99. No batteries needed. Environmentally friendly, too!
She said no. It would offend the Muslims, with whom she has a very special relationship. You can’t have everything, I guess….
Well, now the world knows. I expect it to act accordingly. A donation button is going to appear soon. Make use of it, lest the rest of your days be dark (one of the supporters of another apparition told me this; it must work with the stupid, then…).
My plan of action is as follows:
1) I will start a magazine, write several books, and hold seminaries. I hope to travel a lot giving conferences, too.
2) I will shamelessly kow-tow to Islam by saying that “there is a very special relationship between the Blessed Virgin Mary and the Muslims”. It will keep a lot of trouble away and hey, she told me so herself. I had some doubts about the orthodoxy of all this, but Michael said: “shut up, it’s fine…” and threatened to force me to dance the Tango with Nancy Pelosi…
3) I plan to enter a seminary. Then I will leave it and marry an adulterous woman. Then, with the money earned from the apparitions, I will move to the United States. San Diego or Los Angeles will be just fine. Better climate, you know. Please use the donate button and remember me in your will, or make a big donation because I ain’t a spring chicken anymore and can’t wait for you to kick the bucket. Thanks.
Of course, my dear followers, a lot of people will criticise me. They will slander me saying I am merely an idiot, or a deluded man, or rather one who profits of other people’s credulity.
But do not believe them. This is all in the prophecies!
There. You know everything now.
The button is on the top right hand corner.
Just above the Blessed Virgin.