Daily Archives: August 7, 2014

Mundabor’s Thirteen Secrets To Waste Your Life And Endanger Your Soul

Francis' Stupidity Master.

Francis’ Stupidity Master.

 

 

Following the profoundly serene suggestions of our ‘umble ‘oly Father on how to life a happy life, I allow myself to give my own personal contribution. Whilst I doubt they will reach the powerful effect of our Pope’s, I am safe in the knowledge no one will be able to tell me my suggestions are even more stupid than his. And they are three more, in case you’re counting. Which, as we all know, you should not do.

And so here we are.

1. Stroke a cat.

Cats are beautiful animals. They never look for career advancement, or pray by rote. They are just at peace with the World. We can learn a lot from cats. They are so fluffy, eh? Stroke a cat every day. Pay attention, though. Not all cats like it.

2. Hug a tree

Trees are very important to us. Without them how could we breath, eh? Trees are never hurrying anywhere, either. They just (big emphasis here) are. Hugging a tree will channel in you the quiet spirit of the tree. Don’t think whilst you hug the tree. Just be.

3. Kiss a child.

Children are the very embodiment of innocence. You should like children a lot, and try to be more like them. Kiss a child every day. When the mother calls the police, switch to 4.

4. Smile to a policeman.

Policemen are important. They remind us that we are naughty at times, no? Policemen can also arrest us, and they will if the mother gets really angry. Smile a lot, then, to the policeman. There isn’t much happiness in a prison cell, no?

5. Remember to celebrate the Sunday

Sunday is, as we all know, the day of the Family. Therefore, on Sundays there is the obligation to go spend time with your family. You should eat with your family, which is why Sunday it is traditionally called a day of “meal obligation”. Sunday is for the family. Relax. Eat, drink, drink, drink, and be merry. That’s what Sunday is for. Sunday is for the family.

6. Greet the Sky

Every day, pick a moment to say “thank you” to the Sky. If it is blue, tell Her “thank you, Sky, that you are so blue today!”. If it is gray, tell Her “thank you, Sky, for gently teaching me to appreciate you when you are blue!”

Every day, try to jump towards the sky, like you did as a little child. It is so exhilarating, ah, eh, no?

7. Think happy thoughts

Every day, think happy thoughts, like: “I have the best of all possible Popes”. Dwell on his humility, his care for the poor, his social worries. Picture him as He embraces his buddy, Monsignor Ricca, or cooks kosher with his other buddy, the Rabbi. Enjoy the beautiful sense of peace and diversity. Do not dwell too long on it, though, otherwise he will become prideful, eh? Ah?

(Ain’t I the funniest guy…).

8. Do not judge

Judging will make people angry at you. Why would you make people angry? It is better if we all get along, no? And who are we to judge? Learn from Francis! For example, there is that Monsignor… erm, uh, but I digress… The only people who judge are the Neopelagians, Rosary-Counters, Old Maids, Joyless People, Rote-Prayers and assorted bad men. I am not judging, of course…!

9. Hold on to your Koran

Well, this is only for Muslims, I think? But if you aren’t, hold on to your sacred books! Yes, the Bible is fine, too! But please do not show it around too much. We aren’t “judging”. See point 8. Plus they might think you want to convert them. Proselytism is solemn nonsense! Solemn nonsense, I tell you!

10. Fight for Peace and Social Justice. And the Environment, too!

Every day, do or say something showing you care so much. Express your desire for Peaceintheworld, or Theendofpoverty, or Savingtheplanet. Feel good as you say it. Your interlocutors must feel your utter superiority. Always take the moral high ground first, and squat there like it’s 1968.

11. Show Humbleness

You may occupy an entire floor of a hotel (I know some who do), but do get on the bus every now and then, and do care to be seen by your acquaintances! Remember, we must be a bit cunning in this life, eh? Jesus also did with his Disciples, eh, no? (Wink, wink).

12. Have no excessive doctrinal security

Look, every security you have will hurt someone else, right? You can gently suggest that you have your truths, but never insist on them. The World wanted that we all believe different things, because it teaches us to celebrate diversity. How smart the World is, eh? Ah? No?

13. Hug an Invalid in public

This is very important for your personal happiness. Every day, hug an invalid whilst other are looking on. Everything goes, mind: a wheelchair-ridden man will do fine, but really, they come in all flavours.

Again: it is paramount for your happiness that you be seen. Then seeing is believing, and your friends will believe you are quite the heart of gold, eh? Ah? (wink, wink…).

——————–

So, this is it.

Not as profound as Francis’, I know. But hey, I ain’t as pious and ‘umble as he is, either.

Mundabor

Bishop Francis Has No Time For Protocol

Mundabor's Blog

Francis hasn’t “time” for these things, and he is “not interested” in protocol. Francis is interested in the perception of Francis, the man. A couple of days ago he showed up at a meeting in Rome with the now famously “humble” Ford, without even a Vatican registration number. He also appears to have entered the church with – refers the “Homograph” – his folded mitre tucked under the right arm. As if he were embarrassed by it, or thought it just superfluous.

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