The 7 May Massacre

As I speak, the United Kingdom is living the aftermath of a shocking bloodbath. Not entirely a genocide, but certainly a mass murder. No, let me correct it: a public mass execution, Tyburn Tree-style, but multiple times.

Since yesterday evening, when the first exit poll were published, there had been rumours of an incumbent massacre. It was everywhere. Not even the pollsters could believe it.

The LibDems denied vehemently. It cannot be, they said. We are so good, people can't treat us this way. Think of all the “gays” to whom we have told “their love is worth as much as anyone else's”. No, it cannot be. We cannot be massacred in that way. Ten Members of Parliament remaining, out of Fifty-Seven? You got to be kidding me. Lord Ashdown couldn't even see the now giant torpedo flying very low in the direction of his party. Poor man, he is a LibDem. They have some problems coping with reality. If this is true, he said, he would publicly eat his hat.

I hope Lord Ashdown likes hats for dinner; and I hope I will witness his public eating live. For the records, hats can be perfectly edible. One expects a man to keep his word. Even a LibDem politician.

Of the Fifty-Seven not quite ten, but, actually … only eight have survived. The Country has made a massacre of LibDem Members of Parliament in Charles Manson-style; but only after mass sodomisation, which even Charles Manson would have probably considered too cruel. The LibDems probably liked the last bit, as it must have showed them how many facettes – Clegg speaks French, remember! – the love of the British people for them has. They must feel very happy, and very gay, that they have been the objects of such an exercise in non-conventional love.

They were Fifty-Seven before the battle.

They knew they would be casualties, but this is worse than that.

This is not a defeat. This is not even a rout.

This is Afghan ritual disembowelling.

Why, then, does your truly feel the need to express his boundless enthusiasm at the gruesome news?

Firstly, because a party which was the most vocal proponent of so-called same sex marriage has received the Giant Dildo Treatment before their almost annihilation. I am not so naive to think it was because of their support for sexual perversion; but one takes the good news as they come.

Secondly, because David “Chameleon” Cameron will now be forced to fake Conservatism with more enthusiasm. Again, I do not expect a resurgence of Christian values, but I think that things are slowly moving in the right direction. Cameron isn't dumb. He knows he is now far less in control than he used to be, and can't use the LibDems as an excuse. He also knows that the knives meant for his back are, in purest Tory tradition, always sharp. He may be happy he is still in power, but he knows a PM is as strong as his charisma and following, and he clearly lacks both. The demise of the LibDems deprives him of one leg. He won't feel comfortable surrounded by an all-Tory team.

Thirdly, because the only halfway sane party in the Country, the UKIP, has garnered almost four million votes and is now very officially the third biggest party by number of voters. A development, this, that will send very cold shivers down the spine of many newly-elected Tory MPs, and will further contribute to a slow return to something vaguely resembling sanity. The UKIP only got one MP, I know; but I am one of those who think that the cruel first-past-the-post system in use in the UK forces MPs to think of their possible demise at the next election all the time. Ask Ed (cut) Balls if you don't believe me.

The Country went to sleep sensing a big surprise, and woke up with an ever bigger one; this afternoon, the surprise is staggeringly complete.

This Country has moved to the right in a way that even Cameron must find unwelcome. It is by far not enough, but it is a first step.

For the moment, let's enjoy this massacre. You never know what surprises the Lord has in store for us.

And pray, pray for this Country.

Once the Dowry of Mary, now the Whore of Elton

M