One Day In The Life Of Archbishop C

Archbishop C was anxiously awaited…

Archbishop C is, you know, one of those guys. He is very much into pastoral work. So open. So merciful. So inclusive. 

He loves to make pastoral visits in the homes of the marginalised, and to “accompany” them in their journey. Because mercy. 

Once he saw a man savagely beating his, erm, concubine. Archbishop C asked the man: “son, is you decision in good conscience?”. “F@ck yeah!” answered the man with scarce delicacy; and to make the point, he gave a last uppercut to the woman, who as a result fell senseless to the ground.

“I am impressed with the strength of your feelings, son!” – said Archbishop C – “Shall I accompany you to the Sacrament?”. The man asked Archbishop C what the F he was going there, and why the F did he not go away; actually, he suggested the man F disappears at once, or he would F break his F ass.

Archbishop C went away quite happy, satisfied that he had “accompanied” the man as much as he could. He felt so pastoral he was moved to tears by his own mercy and goodness. 

On another occasion, Archbishop C visited another marginalised man. The man was what uncharitable people call a sodomite, and normal people a faggot. Archbishop C does not approve exclusionary language in the least, and he actually likes sodomites; I mean, he thinks that they are our brothers, our sisters, our cousins, our altar boys, our seminarians, our brothers in lurv…

Speaking of lurv, the fag made clear avances to the archbishop, who was alone on that day (he is always alone when he visit the “gays”; which he does often, because mercy…). Archbishop C thought the he must accompany the man in his lurv, and share the lurv. “What kind of Christian would I be” – he thought – “if I did not share the lurv with this wonderful, unique, marginalised person? Lurv must reach out to the peripheries! The priest must smell of the sheep!” 

As the fag is sodomising him, Archbishop C cannot but reflect: “Why not? I think that gay people are human beings too!”. The pain grows bigger by the minute, but Archbishop C, who is very pastoral, kind of likes it. “I think that we really need to get to know what these people’s life is like if we’re going to accompany them”, he thinks. After the fact, and still in visible pain, Archbishop C asks the man is he wants to accompany him to church to get “the Sacrament”. There was, he reflects, a lot of accompanying, so that was certainly warranted. Archbishop C is now crying, we do not know exactly whether because of the pain, or of the consciousness of his own awesomeness.    

Then there was the time where the man visited another man “living at the peripheries”. As he entered the man’s room, the chap was screwing his dog. The man was taken by surprise, and let go of the dog. “No, no!” – said Archbishop C to him – “I think that we have to make sure that we don’t pigeonhole one group as though they are not part of the human family, as though there’s a different set of rules for them. That would be a big mistake! Keep what you are doing, son! The conscience is inviolable!”. 

The man finished his, ahem, job, after which he thought the right thing to do to ask Archbishop C, so unusually understanding, whether he wanted to have a go himself. The Archbishop quickly remembered his painful but pleasant experience with the sodomite, and the necessity to “know what their life is like if we want to accompany them”. Therefore, he was very fast in accepting the offer. “After all”, he thought”, “if people come to a decision in good conscience then our job is to help them move forward and to respect that. The conscience is inviolable and we have to respect that when they make decisions, and I’ve always done that.”

And so it came to pass that Archbishop C got to know what the like of a lot of people is about. This gave him, he thought, a massive pastoral experience. Perhaps this pastoral experience might be shared with other people? Oh, if only every bishop were so merciful, pastoral, inclusive, and understanding like Archbishop C! What can be more inclusive than include another’s youknowwhat in one’s own youknowwhat? Isn’t this, thinks Archbishop C, what the Gospel is all about? Share the lurv! 

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You will say, for sure, that this story is absurd. 

Archbishops don’t do such things. 

Maybe not. 

But then you read articles like this one, and start to wonder how far away we are from all this. 

M