The Besieged Question Their Generals’ Morality
It is August 1683.
Since 14 July, Vienna has been under siege by a massive Ottoman army. The defenders’ only hope is now the relief army commanded by the King of Poland, Donald III Trumpiesky.
Trumpieski isn’t an easy guy. A lover of women and wine, he knows how to grab a tit or two. He is also very much in demand by the, ahem, ladies (who, actually, in these cases, never are) and, being endowed with more testosterone than the average and a certain candor about his shortcomings, he did not make any secret of it.
As the relief army was approaching Vienna and preparing to risk everything , the news reached the besieged that Donald III Trumpiesky had admitted, eleven years before, to trying this and that with (very willing) non-ladies. He might, they said, have grabbed one ass or two unasked. He is said to have spoken about married women on whom he – counting on their availability – made, as they said in Poland in those day, “a move”.
The citizens of Vienna were outraged. “We will not tolerate this”, many of them began to say. “Someone who has said lewd things eleven years ago can certainly not be our general today”, others were saying. “How do they dare to talk about tits, asses and you-know-what among men?” others added. “When have men ever done things like that?”
“We must affirm and celebrate every scullery maid’s ass out there”, said Paulus Quislingus Ryan, who was commanding the Vienna garrison and was already suspected of working for the Ottomans. “I am so embarrassed by King Donald III Trumpiesky”.
The most outraged were those who had been very tepid up to then. It is as if they thought they would be better off surrendering to the Ottomans, but never had the guts to say so openly. Now they started to bark very loud, with all the outrage of Offended Morality. They felt so superior, they were almost dizzy.
They got their way.
Kind Donald III Trumpiesky was asked to retire his army. Vienna was left to its – chosen – destiny.
On 12 September 1683, the army of General Paulus Quislingus Ryanus was utterly defeated. As recently happened in Perchtoldsdorf, the inhabitant of Vienna were savagely slaughtered. The daughter and wives of the Moral Apostles, among whom many of those women who had been so vocal in their accusations to Trumpieski, were raped before the eyes of their husbands and sons, before being killed. Countless were beheaded as the invader Ottoman prepared to march against the very heart of Europe. The history of Europe changed forever.
Paulus Quislingus Ryanus became a consultant for the Ottomans.
Or, perhaps, it did not go that way.
Perhaps the inhabitants of Vienna were smart enough to recognise the danger they were facing, and did not care a straw about the moral fortitude and degree of saintliness of their generals. The general was there, and he was there to try to save their backsides. How many scullery maids he had grabbed in his day was utterly, but also utterly, utterly, utterly darn freaking irrelevant.
They weren’t stupid, the inhabitant of Vienna. They knew they did not have the luxury of debating the moral fortitude of their generals and decide they don’t like the pick.
This is why they won, and saved their backsides, and weren’t raped and beheaded by their enemies.
One wonders how many US citizen, as we write the year 2016, are as smart now as they were then.