The Besieged Question Their Generals’ Morality

"Wait! Our General isn't Padre Pio! We can't possibly be defended by him!"

“Wait! Our General isn’t Padre Pio! We can’t possibly be defended by him!”


It is August 1683.

Since 14 July, Vienna has been under siege by a massive Ottoman army. The defenders’ only hope is now the relief army commanded by the King of Poland, Donald III Trumpiesky.

Trumpieski isn’t an easy guy. A lover of women and wine, he knows how to grab a tit or two. He is also very much in demand by the, ahem, ladies (who, actually, in these cases, never are) and, being endowed with more testosterone than the average and a certain candor about his shortcomings, he did not make any secret of it.

As the relief army was approaching Vienna and preparing to risk everything , the news reached the besieged that Donald III Trumpiesky had admitted, eleven years before, to trying this and that with (very willing) non-ladies. He might, they said, have grabbed one ass or two unasked. He is said to have spoken about married women on whom he – counting on their availability – made, as they said in Poland in those day, “a move”.

The citizens of Vienna were outraged. “We will not tolerate this”, many of them began to say. “Someone who has said lewd things eleven years ago can certainly not be our general today”, others were saying. “How do they dare to talk about tits, asses and you-know-what among men?” others added. “When have men ever done things like that?”

“We must affirm and celebrate every scullery maid’s ass out there”, said Paulus Quislingus Ryan, who was commanding the Vienna garrison and was already suspected of working for the Ottomans. “I am so embarrassed by King Donald III Trumpiesky”.

The most outraged were those who had been very tepid up to then. It is as if they thought they would be better off surrendering to the Ottomans, but never had the guts to say so openly. Now they started to bark very loud, with all the outrage of Offended Morality. They felt so superior, they were almost dizzy.

They got their way.

Kind Donald III Trumpiesky was asked to retire his army. Vienna was left to its – chosen – destiny.

On 12 September 1683, the army of General Paulus Quislingus Ryanus was utterly defeated. As recently happened in Perchtoldsdorf, the inhabitant of Vienna were savagely slaughtered. The daughter and wives of the Moral Apostles, among whom many of those women who had been so vocal in their accusations to Trumpieski, were raped before the eyes of their husbands and sons, before being killed. Countless were beheaded as the invader Ottoman prepared to march against the very heart of Europe. The history of Europe changed forever.

Paulus Quislingus Ryanus became a consultant for the Ottomans.


Or, perhaps, it did not go that way.

Perhaps the inhabitants of Vienna were smart enough to recognise the danger they were facing, and did not care a straw about the moral fortitude and degree of saintliness of their generals. The general was there, and he was there to try to save their backsides. How many scullery maids he had grabbed in his day was utterly, but also utterly, utterly, utterly darn freaking irrelevant.

They weren’t stupid, the inhabitant of Vienna. They knew they did not have the luxury of debating the moral fortitude of their generals and decide they don’t like the pick.

This is why they won, and saved their backsides, and weren’t raped and beheaded by their enemies.

One wonders how many US citizen, as we write the year 2016, are as smart now as they were then.


Posted on October 9, 2016, in Catholicism, Conservative Catholicism, Traditional Catholicism. Bookmark the permalink. 15 Comments.

  1. Well said, Mr. M…

    It is apropos that I copy here what I posted today on a similar Remnant commentary: “Lest the Democratic media forget: John F Kennedy, Edward Kennedy, Wilbur Mills, Gary Hart, Barney Franks, Charles S. Robb – and Bill Clinton. Have these men suddenly become Saints, rather than sinners and can be forgotten now that Trump has shown himself of the same ilk?”

    While it is proper for we Catholics to be morally shocked at Trumps behavior, taken in context with today’s “Anthony Weiner” model of politician, it is not so out of place, much like Michael Matt surmised in his commentary. That is no reason to believe Trump irredeemable – perhaps he’s even personally remorseful of the whole matter after examining his conscience – and unworthy of office. If he is, then Madame Hillary Rodham Clinton should fly directly to Ft. Leavenworth, KS for a VIP tour of that scenic area, complete with a military escort on-site.

    • I am not “shocked” at all. I did not have such high expectations in the first place. But I have not read anything more crude than what happens, every day, in thousand locker rooms in the US.

  2. Sadly, they probably would have had less of a problem if General Trumpieski grabbed a man’s ass.

  3. laurelmarycecilia

    and the original information was developed and released by one Billy Bush, yep ! nephew and cousin of …………

  4. Unbeknownst to many, when King Trumpieski’s boorish and lewd utterances of a bygone decade went viral, he took the counsel of his unflappable valet, a cultured Italian named Mudabaro who gave him wise advice to confess his sin, repent and move forward, never ever giving up the good fight.

  5. Love your analogy. But to add another thought, from Casti Connubii #67:
    Those who hold the reins of government should not forget that it is the duty of public authority by appropriate laws and sanctions to defend the lives of the innocent, and this all the more so since those whose lives are endangered and assailed cannot defend themselves. Among whom we must mention in the first place infants hidden in the mother’s womb. And if the public magistrates not only do not defend them, but by their laws and ordinances betray them to death at the hands of doctors or of others, let them remember that God is the Judge and Avenger of innocent blood which cried from earth to Heaven.

  6. Your post reminded me to turn on the television, a few minutes before the start of the debate. There was a glimpse of Bill Clinton looking very somber, as if he could not possibly understand how things have come to this pass. Can we say ‘sanctimonious’? It may be interesting. Or maybe I should just turn it off…..

  7. Yes indeed, too many think he’s running for sainthood

  8. That was hysterical! I was laughing out loud all by myself! I especially liked “Paul Quislingus Ryan”- the best. Did i miss the significance of “Perchtoldsdorf’? Someone please explain…
    And if it were as Antoninus72 suggested……it probably would not be repeated for fear of upsetting LGBTQers and their minions.

  9. Ohhh! I could have googled it- but I thought it was a joke I was missing involving someone named Perch and/or dorf…..Thank you. Always ready to learn more about the long history of Muslim attacks & battles on Christian lands…..

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