Meet The ICorder
Apple has announced today the introduction of a new, revolutionary gadget: the Banter-Recorder or, as they will actually call it, the ICorder.
The ICorder will, purely by analysing the air vibration in a room (and, with the far more expensive “S” model, in the open) be able to reconstruct and provide a synthetic voice record of every conversation ever happened in a certain room at a given point in time.
The ICorder will, as the experts are predicting, open completely new horizons to human relationships.
Say, a young woman is interested in a certain man. By using the Banter-Corder in his gym (remember: all is gender neutral now!) she will be able to record all the locker room conversation this man ever had in that room. In order to avoid data overload, the woman will be able to search for only certain words: “grab”, “married”, “tits”, “legs”, and obviously
Pu “Ryan” come to mind, but the choice is as wide as men’s vocabulary, or female anatomy. Upon discovering that the man was “disrespectful of women”, the young lady will be able – actually, she will feel obliged, in order not to betray her sex and deepest convictions – to promptly ditch the offender. Marriage and birth rates are predicted to plummet, but they are low already so this is not a real concern to the experts. What is important, is that no woman will ever be fooled into a relationship with an enemy of her sex, unworthy of her friendship, much less her Ryan.
One of the first devices will be given – as a special gift from Apple – to Hillary Rodham Clinton. She will be able to position it in every room of her house (including toilets, utility rooms, and dog’s house) and record all the, ahem, conversations her husband had with female guests in said locations. Should be fun.
The White House will obviously be an extremely interesting place for this kind of research. How did, exactly, Monica and Bill discuss the various aspects and qualities of cigars? Were other types of, ahem, cigars smoked in the Oval Office? What about the other rooms? How many volumes will be necessary to contain all the recordings concerning that paradigm of Democratic strenght and God’s gift to humanity, JFK?
Imagine that: all Bill Clinton’s golf conversations with Giuliani & Co! Antony Wiener’s talk to very young women in the rare moments in which he did not have a phone in his hands! Huma Abedin’s intimate conversations about her husband with … Hillary! The possibilities are endless!
as we are
very moral people,
we will all
draw the consequences
All and every monument, place, or building dedicated to JFK will be erased, or will have its name changed, to punish any objectifying of women. Robert Kennedy will be declared a whoremonging sexist monster. Bill Clinton will spend the next 3,000 years in jail on 127 counts of rape. Hillary, for intimidating and threatening in 65 cases (she never could keep count, of course) merely 300. Martin Luther King will be declared a Satanist. We will even know whether Michelle Obama is – as many still believe – actually a man.
The ICorder ($499 for the standard, $799 for the “S” version) will be on sale next Monday.
It will change the way millions think of Trump forever.