How I Solved The Amazon’s Priest Problem And Made Everybody Happy
I have, thanks to a sudden inspiration of the Spirit, solved once and for all the problem of the lack of priests in the Amazons.
The rescue of the local souls will take place as follows.
1. A contingent of US Bishops, of those who love to talk about inequality the most, will be sent down there first. These worthy men of the cloth will, certainly, enthusiastically follow the call to “become poor”, and “be the other”. Their example will cause the entire world to wonder at their saintliness. Including auxiliary bishops, we should have at least 100 new “priests” down there in no time. Oh, what a wonderful example of modesty and dedication they will give!!
2. The second contingent will be formed of those clerics (from simple priests to Monsignors to Bishops) from South America who have, at some stage in their career, praised the governments of Venezuela or Bolivia as examples of social justice in action. No doubt, they will be delighted to be transferred to a region where the simple, but profound spirituality of the locals (people, remember, from whom the Church can learn much) will make it so much easier to edificate communities of sincere Christians, who put solidarity before possessions in harmony with the message of our beloved Pope Francis. I would say that 100 to 200 of these worthy individuals will be found in no time.
3. Should this still not be sufficient, more innovative measures will be adopted. The priests in the press offices or PR departments of all European Dioceses will be required to march down there at once. No active priestly duties will be found missing in ole Europe. The worthy clerics will, as always, teach everybody how to do it. In particular, the German staffeln will soon educate everyone to the German, that is, correct way of doing everything, ja?
There. Up to 500 consecrated priests sent down in two weeks. Should take care of the locals all right.
Oh, wonderful example of piety and disinterest! Oh, multinational cooperation of souls! Oh, moving example of loving embrace between the pen and the tattoo, the PhD and the profound spirituality of the forest! Oh, beautiful ecology of Saint Greta The Holy Fool Of God!
This is so humble, so eco, so Francis that I am sure that the Spirit is involved in this from the very start!
I expect my canonisation between 12 and 18 months after my death, which will happen as late as practically feasible.
My monument shall be placed in the Vatican Garden.
In the exact place where, now, heathen gods are worshiped.