Joseph Stalin Canonised by Francis

A match made in… oh well…

Joseph Vissarionovich Stalin is about to be canonised by Scoundrel Pope Francis. A date has not been communicated yet, but the date of his death, the 5th March, is considered probable. Saint Joseph of Gori is the most probable official saint name.

Pope Francis has given a clear indication of his intentions. His words do not leave any doubt:

“God always forgives, God always forgives. Let’s get this into our heads, whatever sin I have done he forgives it because he came to forgive not condemn.”

It is clear that we – the bad, bad Catholics who still cling to an old, pre-Spirit religion – need to get this into our head, that whatever sin we have done, there is no need for repentance. God forgives because he came to forgive not condemn, and clearly He does not want to waste the time, the bother, and the train ticket, just because someone is not repentant.

Repentance is overrated. Let’s get this into our heads.

The date for Hitler will be 20th April and he will venerated as Saint Adolphus of Braunau.

The one for Pol Pot will be the 15th April. It is uncertain whether he will be canonisised Pol of Prek Sbauv or, as is more probable, with some other name like Saint Pol Pot The Meek; which, it has been observed, has a nice, round sound to it.

Observers have noticed that whilst Francis was, in his impromptu canonisation, talking to a former jail inmate speaking exactly of his repentance, the fact that he left repentance out of his clear-cut statement is as strong an indication as can be that the jail inmate was being an old-fashioned Catholic, and was not going with the Spirit. Therefore, Francis had to correct him, lest the apprentice Franciscan Spirituals be confused.

Let us repeat this again so it sinks into our very hard heads:

“God always forgives, God always forgives. Let’s get this into our heads, whatever sin I have done he forgives it because he came to forgive not condemn.”

Some observers have noticed that the Pope has, besides canonising the above mentioned individuals, also made himself redundant, as the new religion of the Franciscan Spirituals clearly has no need for a Pope, or a Religion, at all, and we all need to get this into our heads.

We have tried to contact Joseph Stalin, who has not returned our request for comment. A spokesman said that the man is battling huge problems of heat at the moment, but hopes to meet Francis soon.

We’ll keep our readers informed as this story develops.

Silent Night