Laura L. Iberal
The DMAOLA (Dog, Mule and Alternative Oriented Lovers Association) has yesterday demanded that the State of New York recognises their right to lawfully wed their loved ones.
“It is a pure matter of justice”, says their national speaker, Mr Dan B. Ass: “Now that the gay community has finally succeeded in obtaining that their right to love finds legal recognition, we DMAOL community demand that the same criteria be used with us”. The “Smarts” (this is how the members of the DMAOLA call themselves; Mr Ass informed me that every other definition will be considered extremely offensive, hurtful and, as he says, “lovephobic”) have made very clear that their human rights are at stake, and that they are going to fight the battle for their right to love until final victory.
“We don’t need to win any referendum anyway”, says again Mr. Ass, “as we plan to win our battles largely through judicial activity, following the example of the GLBT community”. Mr. Ass expects the general population to remain against them for a while, as – as he puts it – “the lovephobic prejudices of the conservative, most notably of the Christian population are not going to go away overnight”. Still, he is adamant that “the fight for our human rights will go on” and “you can’t stop love”.
I have asked Mr. Ass how the DMAOL community reacts to some problems that will be posed by critics: isn’t marriage supposed to be between a man and a woman? “Nonsense”, says Mr. Ass whilst caressing his female Great Dane called Valeria, with whom he has been romantically involved since 2009; “It is clear that marriage is now, from a legal point of view, completely detached from every gender definition. The New York Legislative clearly states so. We only propose to go a little step further and to state that marriage is a union between loving beings. To deny us our right to love is to oppress our most elementary human rights; an expression of sheer, blind lovephobia”.
What about the consent? Isn’t consent necessary for a valid marriage? “It is as long as the law says so”, replies Mr. Ass. “A man and a woman were necessary too, but they aren’t anymore. As the recent example of New York shows, you only need to change the legal parameters to adequate them to the result you wish to obtain. Besides, if desired the consent can be either legally presumed until proof to the contrary, or ascertained with other means” [he goes “woof! woof!” and Valeria, the female Great Dane, enthusiastically joins him].
And what about the money? Are dogs, mules and other animals allowed to become heirs of their partners? [“spouses”, Mr. Ass corrects me somewhat peeved]
“This is possible, but not necessary”, answers Mr. Ass again. “Our non-human spouses could be given title to a patrimony administered by trustees, as it is the case now for human minors; at their death, the money would be distributed according to normal law of succession, unless the original donor has disposed otherwise. But we don’t insist on this; rather on the legal recognition of our right to love”.
In the end, says Mr. Ass, “we want to work to put an end to the endless prejudices of a culture based on the oppression of those who prefer alternative loving. This oppression is based on the supremacy of the strictest conformity to Judeo-Christian values that has damaged humanity for so many years. The recent legislation de-coupling social institutions from Christian values makes it not only perfectly possible, but socially imperative that the same criteria be applied to us. We only demand the right to love, and ask that our civil rights be respected”.
But what about harming the animal? Is this not going to be hurtful? “Hurtful? Ha! – laughs he – do you think that sodomy is a walk in the park? This hasn’t been an obstacle, has it?”
But do you really think that you will change the mind of the people? I ask Mr. Ass again. “In time, of course I think so”, he answers, “I am absolutely persuaded of it! Look at homosexuality! Only two generations ago, homosexuality was considered a disgusting perversion not even to be mentioned in front of children, and at the same level of being smart! Nowadays, children are taught in “sensitivity classes” about homosexuality, and are given books with homosexual penguins and dolphins!” I must admit that he has a point here. “And look at the churches! The Episcopalians have women priests, women bishops, even gay and lesbians bishops! Give them some time, and they will have alternatively loving priests and priestesses, bishops and bishopesses! Haven’t they always followed the evolution of the general mentality?” I reflect, and stay silent. He is unstoppable: “If someone had told you sixty years ago that in two generations the Episcopalians would have priestesses, bishopesses, and gay and lesbians everywhere, even in bishop’s positions, would you have believed him?”
I can’t contradict Mr. Ass here, either. “You see”, he continues now fully animated whilst Valeria, the female Great Dane, wags her tail, “just give us the right President, and we’ll even have a smart judge at the Supreme Court! Heck, who knows – he continues – perhaps we already have! There are so many smarts forced to remain in the closet because of society’s lovephobia! We calculate that we are at least 5% of the population. Julius Caesar, Dickens, Beethoven, Napoleon, Queen Victoria and Gandhi were certainly or very probably smart”.
“What you really need to understand”, says Mr. Ass now entirely animated, “is that you either follow religious principles, or you don’t. You can’t stop in the middle. Once you have decided that religious principles aren’t the foundation of civil legislation, who is to say what is right and what is wrong? The lovephobic prejudices against us is purely the result of a Judeo-Christian reflex, totally opposed to the rights and freedoms of our modern, inclusive society! How can you decide that the gay community should be included, and the smart community should be excluded? I know, some excuses can be found for us as they were found for the gay community. But in the end, it’s on the Judeo-Christian prejudices that they’ll be based.” I listen with interest. He is not deprived of logic. “Besides, we don’t think that real Christianity condemns alternative loving. Jesus is love!”.
“Our society is based on freedom, tolerance, inclusiveness, love, change, and doing no harm. We demand that you truly embrace these values. We harm no one, we do not want to take any right away from anyone, and we are accepting of any lifestyle. Who is more modern and democratic than us smarts?”
Interviewed about the matter, Mr Mario C. Uomo, the Governor of New York, has stated that “whilst the smart lifestyle is not one I would personally endorse, I fully understand the desire for equality of the DMAOL community”. He will not actively seek to promote legislation in that sense, but “if the state legislature finds that this can be done” he doesn’t feel that it is in his duties to “impose his conviction on those having different opinions”. Mr Uomo, who said that his Catholicism is “sincerely felt”, made nevertheless clear that he wishes the DMAOL community every success “in their fight for equality, human and animal rights”.
For the Poofington Post,
Laura L. Iberal