Breaking News: Pope About To Ban Baptism And First Communion Before Age 30

Would make a better Pope

 

I have this from well-informed sources: 

Pope Francis is about to announce a complete ban on not only infant baptism, but baptism of anyone below age 30. The reason has been already abundantly stated by the Oh So Humble Wheelchair Hugger himself: if an adult can’t be sure of what a marriage entails, how can an infant child be sure of what a baptism entails? Nor can you claim the Godfather can fulfill this role: the Oh So Holy Father has already stated that they, like almost every other Catholic adult, have no idea of what they’re doing anyway. No: it will be no baptism below age 30, and only after reading Das Kapital and Fidel Castro’s opera omnia. This is, I was informed, in order to be sure one has understood what it means to be a good Catholic. 

 Similarly, First Communion will be subject to the same age limit, and for the same reasons. However, Francis will allow the faithful to be baptised and receive on the same day, “if they have shown sufficient environmental consciousness”. This will, my sources state, ensure that the baptismal candidate “loves the poor”. I am also informed the reading of Tucho “Elton” Fernandez’ seminal work, “Pervert me with your mouth: The Art Of Sodding”, might be required, though the Pope is waiting for Cardinal Kasper’s input on this. 

Simultaneously, the Vatican will announce that whilst it will not possible to be baptised before age 30, those cohabiting from the age of 16 will be considered baptised and communicated, if they show “fidelity” and “commitment”. This is a preferential option for the poor, because we must smell of the sheep, no? 

You read it here first. 

Please give credit with a link when the official announcement is released.

M