Breaking News: Pope About To Ban Baptism And First Communion Before Age 30

The Head of Wonderland's Health and Safety Department

Would make a better Pope


I have this from well-informed sources: 

Pope Francis is about to announce a complete ban on not only infant baptism, but baptism of anyone below age 30. The reason has been already abundantly stated by the Oh So Humble Wheelchair Hugger himself: if an adult can’t be sure of what a marriage entails, how can an infant child be sure of what a baptism entails? Nor can you claim the Godfather can fulfill this role: the Oh So Holy Father has already stated that they, like almost every other Catholic adult, have no idea of what they’re doing anyway. No: it will be no baptism below age 30, and only after reading Das Kapital and Fidel Castro’s opera omnia. This is, I was informed, in order to be sure one has understood what it means to be a good Catholic. 

 Similarly, First Communion will be subject to the same age limit, and for the same reasons. However, Francis will allow the faithful to be baptised and receive on the same day, “if they have shown sufficient environmental consciousness”. This will, my sources state, ensure that the baptismal candidate “loves the poor”. I am also informed the reading of Tucho “Elton” Fernandez’ seminal work, “Pervert me with your mouth: The Art Of Sodding”, might be required, though the Pope is waiting for Cardinal Kasper’s input on this. 

Simultaneously, the Vatican will announce that whilst it will not possible to be baptised before age 30, those cohabiting from the age of 16 will be considered baptised and communicated, if they show “fidelity” and “commitment”. This is a preferential option for the poor, because we must smell of the sheep, no? 

You read it here first. 

Please give credit with a link when the official announcement is released.




Posted on June 19, 2016, in Catholicism, Conservative Catholicism, Traditional Catholicism and tagged . Bookmark the permalink. 10 Comments.

  1. You must surely be joking. Please confirm.

  2. Bernie Stewart

    You must be joking.
    I sincerely hope you do.

    • I am not joking. I am merely being satirical.
      But remember: with Francis’ today’s satire can be tomorrow’s reality.

      If I had made a blog post titled: “Breaking News: Pope declares married couple invalidly married and concubines validly married!”, would you have considered it satirical?


  3. Bernie Stewart

    That would be absolutely anti-Christian.

  4. This just in as well: a new 8th sacrament of Extreme Gender to be given upon personal declaration of sex that doesn’t match your genes. Anointing of the genitals in both sexes and breasts in genetic women and Adam’s apple in genetic men will be part of the rubrics. This will be done to ensure the anatomical parts do not thwart the new “gender identity”.

    • That would be an idea.
      However, the Pope would also have to proceed to declare that most such sacraments are invalid, just as the other ones.

  5. In 2016, the fourth year of the reign of Francis, I can no longer tell if this is satire. Are you sure this piece was not meant for Eye of the Tiber?

  6. Hello my friend. Please, take care with your tittles and articles. Be more explicit, because that pope is completely insane.

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