“Rabbitgate”: Investigating The Backpedaling

The humble tiramisu’ was the main suspect as the cause of the backpedaling…

This is from the usually misleading or outright stupid Wikipedia, which I trust to be right at least on this basic fact. The emphasis is mine.

Jorge Mario Bergoglio was born in Flores, a barrio of Buenos Aires. He was the eldest of five children of Mario José Bergoglio, an Italian immigrant accountant born in Portacomaro (Province of Asti) in Italy’s Piedmont region, and his wife Regina María Sívori,^[39] a housewife born in Buenos Aires to a family of northern Italian (Piedmontese-Genoese) origin.^[40

So, if this is true, there were five children running along the corridors of Casa Bergoglio.

This means one or more of the following  might have happened:

1) Francis’ mother did have a certain predilection for “tempting God”, because we know that God id “tempted” to (cough..) dispose of you if you have many children. Francis must imagine God saying: “Seventh child? After several Cesarean Sections? Good Me! You got to be kidding Me! But I’ll show you! Yes, I will! To the grave! To the grave!!”. Therefore, one can suppose in Bergoglio’s mind the fourth and particularly the fifth child, and without the technology of today, would make the Lord rather nervous.

“OK, it’s only five. But you’re pushing your luck, young woman…”

2) On being informed of the fifth pregnancy, young Jorge asked his mother: “Do you want to leave four orphans?”. He remembered that long-gone dialogue on the plane and, in that debonair way of his, thought it wise to share this wisdom with the planet without further delay. Then he realised the planet would have considered young Jorge, child or no child, pretty much of an… oh well.

3) Francis is afraid that the phantoms of his deceased fourth and fifth born siblings will visit him, Jakob-Marley-style, and rebuke him for his impious words. Now, this would certainly cause him to lose his appetite. He does not want that. Eh? No?

4) Francis was told by one of his possibly vaguely suicidal assistants: “Do you realise you will be unavoidably asked whether two of your siblings should not have been born in the first place?” This, my friends, is a question no Pope wants to answer. Worse than asking Bill Clinton about interns, I tell you…

Now, each of these four scenarios would, alone, be sufficient for Francis to furiously backpedal. Scenario 1) is very Bergoglian but alas, not at all Christian. Scenario 2) doesn’t work after primary school at the very latest. Scenario 3) is a threat to the asparagus consomme’ and flambe’ mango. Scenario 4) can’t be patched up; not even by the indefatigable Spinning Master, Father Lombardi.

Therefore, the furious backpedaling is explained.

No more unpleasant questions.

Back to embracing wheelchairs.

And pass the tiramisu’, por favor.

M